I live with the ignominy of being clothed in insecurity.  It hangs off me glaringly visible.  My gait is one of a semi hunched-back. I loom over, lowering my face and fixate upon the ground.  I’m afraid of the world around me.  I’m afraid of people that I see every day. In this fear I perpetuate my anxiety by wearing my timidity.  I should just choose to discard it.  I should throw it out like my comforting but worn-out hoodie.  I shouldn’t snuggle up to the falsely warm embrace of complete solitude.  There is still that gnawing feeling that I am an obscure shadow that walks amongst the fully formed people.  I do not walk beside them but hide in darkness, lost in the outskirts of seclusion.  The smiles are a social pretence.  They are there as an obligation.  When am I truly seen and when am I just another familiar face floating by? If only I would just step out one day and choose to lift my head up in the face of misty uncertainties.  I should saunter through the fog of doubt.  Somewhere through the blinding cloudiness of my fears there is a pathway to the clear light of the vast, expansive world ahead.  I should choose to be seen and lower the hood of misconceptions that hinders my vision.   I should know that I don’t need to fulfil anyone else’s criteria but my own.  I should choose to see the world.  I should choose to see the people around me.  Even if it’s a new style that doesn’t quite seem to fit, I know that I can grow into it.  However, I am trapped in the deceitful notion of “one day”.  One day may never come if I never choose it.

To anyone too worried about me, this is just a throwback piece to thinking about what it was like for younger-me dealing with a more intense form of social anxiety.

I feel that if I just decided to wake up one day and be confident then all my problems would disappear.

link to picture I stole:

http://artandfashionillustrations.tumblr.com/

ef2206b008908976b0f66785653e4a0a.jpg

 

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6 thoughts on “Hoodies and Hiding

    1. It’s always such a pleasure to get feedback from you. You are a wonderful and talented person and you help me enjoy blogging all the more even though reading your great writing makes me jealous.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Haha yes anxiety can be tough one to deal with but the great thing about writing is how therapeutic it is. Thanks so much. I like to read and throw in some of the new words I come across to sound fancy ;)look forward to reading more about your journey!

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  2. Love this piece. It is so incredibly intense, and beautiful! I could really relate to that, especially when you say that “There is still that gnawing feeling that I am an obscure shadow that walks amongst the fully formed people.”. Sometimes I wonder whether I am really someone or if I’m not a ghost.

    Beautiful but I’m glad you feel better now!

    Like

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