I live with the ignominy of being clothed in insecurity. It hangs off me glaringly visible. My gait is one of a semi hunched-back. I loom over, lowering my face and fixate upon the ground. I’m afraid of the world around me. I’m afraid of people that I see every day. In this fear I perpetuate my anxiety by wearing my timidity. I should just choose to discard it. I should throw it out like my comforting but worn-out hoodie. I shouldn’t snuggle up to the falsely warm embrace of complete solitude. There is still that gnawing feeling that I am an obscure shadow that walks amongst the fully formed people. I do not walk beside them but hide in darkness, lost in the outskirts of seclusion. The smiles are a social pretence. They are there as an obligation. When am I truly seen and when am I just another familiar face floating by? If only I would just step out one day and choose to lift my head up in the face of misty uncertainties. I should saunter through the fog of doubt. Somewhere through the blinding cloudiness of my fears there is a pathway to the clear light of the vast, expansive world ahead. I should choose to be seen and lower the hood of misconceptions that hinders my vision. I should know that I don’t need to fulfil anyone else’s criteria but my own. I should choose to see the world. I should choose to see the people around me. Even if it’s a new style that doesn’t quite seem to fit, I know that I can grow into it. However, I am trapped in the deceitful notion of “one day”. One day may never come if I never choose it.
To anyone too worried about me, this is just a throwback piece to thinking about what it was like for younger-me dealing with a more intense form of social anxiety.
I feel that if I just decided to wake up one day and be confident then all my problems would disappear.
link to picture I stole: